AUTHOR: Sara TITLE: Please Just Tell Me How to Shut Off My Brain Before it Blows Up. DATE: 4/04/2005 08:05:00 PM ----- BODY:

I had many small epiphanys today, which is really rare for a Monday. If you are looking for some cheery post full of smileys and BFPs, this is not your blog. At least, it isn't your blog today. 1. Why don't I just have sex when I DON'T think I am ovulating and/or fertile? Having sex at the moments I THOUGHT were correct hasn't worked, so why not just do the opposite? Maybe I will get the opposite result?? 2. Maybe I got pregnant so easily before, you know, when I was ON THE PILL and then the month following my stopping of the pill because the pill did something magical to my ovaries. Maybe the synthetic hormones got rid of cysts or some other weird, funky cling-on and made me super fertile woman. 3. Who the hell came up with the term "baby dust"?? When one thinks of baby dust, they might think of Tinkerbell or the funny dust that the tribesman sprinkles on the annoying dead guy's head in "Beetlejuice". . . . I personally do not think of baby dust as something that is going to a) make me feel better about trying to have a baby. b) make me more fertile. c) make me want to sprinkle it on myself or anyone else, for that matter. And when I think of sprinkle, I think cupcakes. Dust is dirty, plain and simple. No offense if you use the term, but why not just say, "Hope you get some really powerful sperm this month" or "hope your uterus is inviting and ready this month". I mean, let's be realistic here. 4. While watching "Grey's Anatomy" last night, I remembered a childhood memory. My Aunt overdosed once every six months or so when I was a kid and my Mom always tried to shelter me from her IVs, medicated comas, and drug-induced hazes that left her strapped to the bed. I remember escaping to the lined windows of the nursery so I could watch the babies. When a thermometer was jabbed in their ass, I smiled. When they put the baby under the "lamp", I cried. And when I was taken away from the window, I actually tried to figure out how long it would be before my crazy Aunt popped too many painkillers so I could go see the babies again. So when you say that you have wanted a baby for as long as you can remember . . . . yeah, me, too. I guess I just didn't realize how long I have actually loved children. As my instructor babbled on tonight about special education, I actually contemplated whether there are rabbits who habitually miscarry or are infertile. What's their secret? Is it something we could learn about in relation to humans? Yeah, I know I sound like I ate some special brownies. I just needed to vent.

--------