AUTHOR: Sara TITLE: Angels and Devils DATE: 4/01/2005 05:56:00 PM ----- BODY:

It was harder than I thought it would be. The nurse called Thursday afternoon to let me know the test was negative. We talked for a little while and she clarified a few things for me and we came to a few conclusions together based on my symptoms. Come to find out from her and from the good old internet, one of the first symptoms many women experience in early, EARLY pregnancy is breast soreness. The thoughts are that this comes from a surge of estrogen that your body gets when the cells begin to multiply and form the little guy that will (ideally) attach to your uterine wall. That is when the progesterone comes in and that is when Hcg is produced, thus giving you a positive HPT when the hormone is high enough to be detected. It is very possible that my egg was fertilized and the cells began dividing away and then implantation went awry somehow and . . here I am. I know it seems crazy that I just knew and it wasn't wishful thinking, I swear. I just knew things somehow changed and didn't work out, despite the negatives I kept receiving. We know our bodies, plain and simple. Even if I never would have charted, I would have thought the same. I just wish, more than anything, that I could be looking forward to a new pregnancy and not another month of trying. Yesterday, I had minimal spotting, just as the day before. It was almost nothing, "old blood", as they say. The cramps woke me up at 4 am and as I stood up, blood rushed down my legs. This period has been much more difficult, heavy, and painful than those in the months following my D & C and I am popping Motrin and laying around. My periods aren't normally like this, but I am doing my best to alleviate the discomfort. Tonight it has lessened somewhat and I am beginning to feel better, slowly but surely. My angel for the day came in the form of a pharmacist with no name-tag or I would call her by her name. I went to three pharmacies looking for the fertility sticks to go with my new monitor that arrived while I was on vacation. Apparently everyone in Las Vegas is trying to conceive because they were all out. My last attempt was at the grocery store pharmacy by my house, which I was nervous about going to because sometimes their prices are a little hefty. It turns out they had a box, but the woman behind the counter couldn't get it to scan. She smiled weakly at me and said, "Oh shit, I bet you have spent a lot already, huh?" I nodded, trying to think of ways to avoid the conversation about how much trying to have a baby sucks. She then leaned across the counter and whispered, "Name your price." Now, the box of fertility monitor sticks runs about $50, so I was just shocked. I didn't know what to say. She entered in $5.99 and asked me if that sounded good. I nodded and almost broke down right there in the aisle and then ran out before she could change her mind. Let's just hope this is a sign that things will turn around.

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