AUTHOR: Sara TITLE: Unanswered Questions DATE: 1/26/2005 09:27:00 PM ----- BODY:

For some extra connecting information about myself, I am finishing up my Masters program, along with 16 others who are in the same cohort as I am. We have all been in the same classes together now for 2 years and like our first instructor told us, "you will soon be like family". We are, essentially, thanks to spending long hours at the same schools and then attending classes together two evenings a week. One of the women I attend class with, whom I shall call "Anne", is the class clown of the group. She is always outspoken, whether it be an inspirational saying for the evening or a hilarious joke or experience to help remind us why we became teachers. Whenever we get a new instructor, we tell the "guinea pig" that Anne is the quiet, shy one. It always cracks me up seeing the shock spread across the instructor's face when they realize (by the end of class) that Anne is actually the loudest and craziest one. Last year, after returning from my D & C, Anne pulled me aside and whispered to me the story of her two miscarriages, both of which she experienced on her own. For her first, she had barely made it to the public restoom at her work when she miscarried and she was so scared and bleeding so much, they had to call the ambulance to come and take her. Imagine trying to keep your new pregnancy hush-hush and then being wheeled out on a gurney, skirt full of blood, in front of everyone you work with. It is truly such a private thing that we should be able to share by choice. Anne is so optimistic for me and I think this comes from the fact that she later went on to have 2 children, despite the fact it took her many years to conceive again. And you know what's sad? I actually had this conversation with Mike when we found out about the last miscarriage. He asked me, "If you had to have 5 more miscarriages to get ONE healthy baby, would you do it?" At the time, I think I said yes, but that, of course, would be out of knowing you would, at some point, have a healthy child. This is so blind for all of us. There is no answer, there is no guarantee. What is sad is that I actually caught myself thinking today, "If I am pregnant right now and I am destined to miscarry, then hurry up and let it happen so I can move on to the next one." It is not like I want to keep this up forever, you know? I can't! I catch myself being happy when I notice a twinge or something, thinking, "Hmmm . . maybe I am!" But then that stupid conversation we had floats back into my mind and I start thinking about how many MORE of these I might have to go through to MAYBE get to my healthy child. Basically, I just want to know. I want someone to tell me either it is going to happen or it is not. I don't want to try for the next 10 years and miscarry over and over again just to find out I never could have carried a child anyway. I really, really just hate that there are no answers to these type of questions. Meanwhile, my husband, bless his heart, buys walnuts at the store and demands that I eat them because he read somewhere that they help the baby in the first few weeks after implantation. And I don't even like walnuts. Oh well. Crunch crunch.

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