AUTHOR: Sara TITLE: Stuff DATE: 1/14/2005 04:52:00 PM ----- BODY:

I made the trip to the doc yesterday. My appointment was at 2 pm, so I thought I would have enough time to stop by the Social Security office and get my new card. I don't know what the SS office is like in other parts of the United States, but I felt like I had stepped into hell. It appears that the drudges of society just go hang out there. In between random name calling, number calling, and loud choking/coughing, you hear bits and pieces of arguments like, "No! I was in jail and I couldn't get my check! I am out of beer and I need my check today, man!" After two hours of waiting, I finally got my new card and then took an anti-bacterial bath out in my car in fear that I had caught the plague that was infecting everyone inside. My ultrasound was interesting. Who knew that my colon created shadows on the rest of my organs. I have to attempt to put the image out of my mind so I don't add "Mean-Colon-Man" to my already f-ed up dream. (see yesterday's post.) The original thought was that my left ovary had a growth on it, most likely a cyst. As the technician is poking and prodding around, she smiles and says, "Here's your right ovary! And there are your cysts!" Picture me trying to sit up on the table, rubbing my eyes. "HUH?!?" I was trying to explain to her that it was my LEFT ovary that was bothering me, not my right. Yeah, well, apparently the right ovary had some friends that are tagging along for the ride, too. Thankfully none of the cysts measured more than a few mm's. Everything I have read says this shouldn't affect your ability to get pregnant, so we'll see. The story behind my left ovary: well, she couldn't find it. Yeah, apparently my left ovary was hiding. She could get small shadows of it, but no clear, defined picture like my tricky right ovary. So, who knows what the doc will say when he gets a chance to read the results. Most likely nothing. My ovulatory pain will be identified as a side effect from the Prometrium or something. Right before she finished, she measured my endometrium and then looked at my uterus. I don't know if this has ever happened to any of you, but I felt so, so immensely sad when I looked at that black pit of a uterus on the screen. The last time I had looked at it, there was a little sac and baby inside of it, what my mother began referring to as the "Peanut". Now, nothing. Emptiness. I got dressed in the bathroom and sat down and cried. Upon reading getupgrrl's latest entry, which saddened me to no end, I sometimes wonder the same thing about loss and when it ends. I know that those of you that read me, which according to yesterday is so few, understand what I am saying. I am ready for all of the losses to be over. For you, for me, for everyone.

--------