AUTHOR: Sara TITLE: Making a Getaway DATE: 1/10/2005 10:15:00 PM ----- BODY:

Five screwed up things that happened today: 1. I got rear-ended by a lady who was too busy smoking and talking on her cell phone to notice those TWO BRIGHT RED LIGHTS ON THE CAR IN FRONT OF HER. (me) No offense to any smokers out there, but she had a baby and another child in the car. Grrrr. 2. I got the testing schedule from now until April in my in-box at work. Basically, there is some type of test (Interim testing, CRT test, IOWA tests, DIBBELS testing, 4th grade writing proficiency exam) from now until the end of time. They need to change my job title to "Tester". Not teacher. Do I get to actually TEACH my children something or am I just randomly administering tests to appease our "No Child Left Behind" Act. (aka "No Child Left Untested" Act)??? Thanks, Bush. Way to go, buddy. 3. One of my fish disappeared. (I know what you are thinking, HUH?!?) Yeah, me, too. I have 10 fish. (Well, now 9.) I have Columbian freshwater sharks, along with some other really cute ones, all that have pet names. Scooter, my small little guy who THINKS he is a shark, is missing. None of the other fish are aggressive, so WTF? Did the others suddenly get a craving for guppy or did he join Fish Purgatory and he is in Fish-Limbo somewhere? 4. My houseplants have been recently infected with fungus gnats, these little annoying fly-creatures that resemble fleas. They often show up in the winter and are SO HARD to kill without killing the plant. Plus . . . I have a certain affliction to pesticides of any kind, thinking in some way they could harm my already-compromised reproductive system. So, if anyone has a HAZ-MAT suit I can throw on to spray my plants, let me know. 5. I decided to wrap up this last week of vacation by touching up all of the spots that were scuffed, etc. in our recent move. I went from room to room, dabbing on the touch-up paint our builder left for us. It was not until it dried and the sun briefly came out that it is NOT AT ALL the color of white that was originally used. My phone call to our customer service rep., whom I affectionately refer to as Mr. Jerk-off, went as follows: Me: "Hi Mr. Jerk-off. I am calling because the paint that was given to us when we moved in a few months ago is not the correct color of touch-up paint. I was hoping you could drop the correct paint by when you get a chance." Mr. Jerk-Off: "Oh, ma'am. That IS the correct color. Perhaps you are just confusing the flat paint and the semi-gloss paint?" Me: "Uh, no. I am not confusing the two. It is clearly a very off-white color, as the TRUE color underneath it is a very WHITE color. You feel me?" Mr. Jerk-Off: "Ma'am, maybe you are color-blind. I have heard of a lot of people being colorblind these days . . . Ask your husband to look at it and see what he says." Me: (Through gritted teeth) "Look, I know what I am looking at here. So does my COLORBLIND HUSBAND!!! Drop off the correct paint to my home so I CAN NOW TOUCH-UP MY TOUCHUPS THAT SHOULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN TOUCHED UP!" Needless to say, Mr. Jerk-Off didn't want to continue our conversation and has NOT dropped off the correct color. When our shower pipe began leaking through the kitchen ceiling right before Thanksgiving (oh yeah, that was an exciting one! You would have thought we bought a house built in 1657 or something!) . . . the painter that had to come cut out our wall and clean up THAT Mickey-Mouse job had made a comment about how they used a different BRAND of paint for our house, for some reason. So, until Mr. Jerk-Off gets his head out of his ass, I am stuck with polka-dotted walls. I called Mike at work tonight and told him we are leaving tomorrow. No work, no cell phones, no screwed up Vegas drivers, no annoying gnats, no Mr. Jerk-Off. I reserved a room at a hotel about 2 hours outside of town. I also reserved full body massages and honey coconut baths. By God, if I am going to get knocked up this month, I have to unwind.

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