AUTHOR: Sara TITLE: Introductions DATE: 12/29/2004 06:06:00 PM ----- BODY:

Allrightie . . . I have been attempting to type a decent introduction in the "About Me" section with no luck. 1200 words or less . . . gees. So, here is a more detailed intro if you are interested. I got pregnant in December 2002 and had no idea until I reached my doctor. I wasn't trying, but certainly was not opposed to, as children are amazing. I also am a teacher, so being surrounded by their wonderful, amazing presence daily is a gift that keeps on giving! I had just met Michael, the man who I am now married to, and was freaking a little about having to tell him and my mother at the same time, who was getting remarried the next month. So, I decided to take a break from thinking about it and took my prearranged trip to visit my Mom and brother in Texas for Christmas. I had what I thought was breakthrough bleeding while there, but upon coming back and visiting my doc again, was told I had a "chemical pregnancy." Basically . . . . "Hey, you're pregnan- . . oh, wait, no you're not." It was sad to me, but for some reason I don't think it affected me the way I thought it would have. I think I kind of pushed it out of my mind. So, Mike and I continued dating and he asked me to marry him in May 2004. We celebrated and were preparing to fly to New York to visit his family for an engagement party when I started feeling super-bad. (Like I said, we celebrated!)Tired, tired, tired! I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test, all showing a negative. I wasn't late yet, though, but I just felt off. It hurt to take a shower, that water hitting my chest was like a gladiator spearing me in the areola! We went to NY and returned, still no period. I took a test, the brightest line coming up in about 2.4 seconds. I was ecstatic, scared, nervous, happy, shocked, all of the above! Telling Mike was funny, he knew before I even told him. :-) My first appointment was July 5th and they did a vaginal ultrasound at that time. It showed everything was fine, about 5 weeks along, no fetal pole yet, though. I told my family, something I am not so sure I would do now, at least, that early. We were so excited, it just seems right to tell everyone! I had my bridal shower on July 10th and noticed that evening I had brown spotting. I had already read every book known to man about being pregnant, so I knew brown was usually considered old blood and I didn't worry. The night of the 11th, I passed a clot about 7-inches long. I screamed, cried, knew that was it. Mike peeled me off the floor and we called my doctor, who told me to go to the ER and he would call and see what their ultrasound said. We arrived, waited for 3 hours, had the ultrasound, and there was my little baby's heatbeat, beating away. 145 bpm. Beautiful. Perfect in every way. I felt peace. Rolling me away from that picture on the machine, though, was rolling me back into reality. A lot of talk and paperwork about "threatened miscarriage" came next and I was upset again. Threatened? It made no sense. The bleeding stopped except for a small brown spot here and there. The next Sunday, we were right back where we started with it. I began bleeding a lot more and passing clots and my back ached some. We went back, had another ultrasound, except this time they wouldn't let me look. There was no talking, no sound, there was physical discomfort this time, like I was super-sensitive to be touched with the wand. My hcg was 8,000, but we had nothing to compare it to since I had not had a count. The technician told the doc through the curtain that "there was no fetal movement or heartbeat" and my world crashed. It seemed so wrong that something could live and die so quickly. They called my doctor and he told me to come in the next morning when they opened. That was the first, and only time, I have ever seen my husband cry. My doctor did yet another ultrasound the next morning. He said that so many times he sees women that bleed like I did in early pregnancy to go on to have normal births. However, his u/s confirmed the sac had shrunk. No fetal pole. I was scheduled for a D & C at 4pm. The D & C itself was not as serious as I thought it would have been. It took them an hour to get in my IV needle because I had not eaten or drank anything, so I looked like a crack addict. I had little to no pain afterwards, hardly any bleeding. I just slept and loved sleeping because there I could forget. It was waking up that was the hard part, remembering that I was no longer pregnant. We got married on August 16th and began talking about trying to get pregnant. My periods were awful, though, lasting 8 days and being heavier than anything I have ever experienced. My doctor sent me to see a specialist because I have a congential heart defect. (nothing serious enough to prevent me from having children, but just to be safe.) In the genetic testing that was done, the only issue that arose was that I am a heterozygous carrier for the MTHFR gene. (or as another one of my reproductively-challenged gals calls it, the mother-fucker gene) Sometimes a carrier of this gene gets raised homocystine levels in the bloodstream. It is unknown if this could be part of the problem, but I am taking the prescribed Foltx for additional Folic Acid. I also take Prometrium and a baby aspirin daily. My story takes me to here . . . we decided this month to try. I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" cover to cover, began charting in November for practice, and ovulated about a week ago. So, if I am pregnant, I won't most likely know until the beginning of January. (Don't worry, I already started peeing on those damn sticks and cursing myself the entire time, all negative so far.) My temps do not follow the books exactly, they are a little off, so who knows. Anyway, I am starting this journal for a few different reasons. One of them is that I hope to create a sense of peace. I think everyone and their brother is sick to death of hearing me talk about getting pregnant. (at least, in my family) Hopefully this can provide an outlet for me. Two, during my many midnight tiptoeings to the computer to search for answers that are NOT THERE, I have discovered a whole slew of women that are in the reproductively-challenged boat along with me. And we are just rowing away. Their stories have helped me learn to cope better. As my doctor says, "There is no way to compare sorrows." Your sorrow, her sorrow, my sorrow, it is all the same. Whether you have lost 10 or 1, our sorrow is our own. Talking about it with others, however, will hopefully ease the sense of solititude and mend old wounds. I hope to further friendships with these women. While my friends here all go to Mommy and Me classes, I can stick out my tongue and blog. :-)

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